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[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-06-2014, 10:14 AM
[KIA] P3rfor@or
Does anyone know the whereabouts of this soldier?

He was last seen standing on a hill in Western Germany, wearing only a ginger fright wig, a pair of issue underpants and a confused grin. He bore all the signs of a recent devastating explosion.

If sighted please feed him on a diet of raw steak and slightly burnt burgers.

Sincerely
A friend.

1AB|MGen BashFash
07-06-2014, 02:27 PM
P3rfor@or;3242568'][KIA] P3rfor@or
Does anyone know the whereabouts of this soldier?

He was last seen standing on a hill in Western Germany, wearing only a ginger fright wig, a pair of issue underpants and a confused grin. He bore all the signs of a recent devastating explosion.

If sighted please feed him on a diet of raw steak and slightly burnt burgers.

Sincerely
A friend.

*Somewhere in a bunker 1945*

Goring: Hitler ze Russians have broken through and are sending zere greatest assassin, perforator!

Hitler: ACHTUNG LIEBER HE IZT BEHIND YOU!

*Goring screams in panic and turns around*

Hitler: *laughs* It is fine Goring no one has seen him in many yearz it is fine.

*Hitler and Goring share a hearty laugh*

Exeunt

[WaW]CA|Melvin
07-06-2014, 04:20 PM
He was last seen in Afghanistan.

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-06-2014, 04:37 PM
The Scene : Wadi El Krutt
-------------------------
The last washing line of the Afrika Corpse

Hitler (on zer phone) : ver are zer fake Hitlegrams Kommen from? I vish to know!

Rommel : Mein furrier, zey are seying zer p3for@or is in zer far of zer middle of zer east!11

Hitler : Can ve invade zem??

Rommel : Not visout zer longer arms!

Hitler : Vonderschoen!!!!! Ve vill haff zer long-armed elite secret unit - find zem at VONCE!!!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-06-2014, 09:00 PM
Meanwhile in The TellyBan HQ, Nuristan.

Abajah Mul-al-Haq : Bugger we haven't been invented yet!!!



******** What does all this mean??
******** Will the P3rfor@or be able to successfully reconcile two time zones, and assassinate Goering's knees?
******** Does the author require clinical intervention??
******** Does this mean a new serial? The P3rfor@or (45th on the balcony) - special farces (and Colin the wonder dog)

Find out if you can in an insanity soaked thread, coming soon to this intermission.

"Comparable to Tolkein at his best" - Cyril Clunge

Sumer
07-06-2014, 09:19 PM
I missed Perf.

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-06-2014, 09:45 PM
Were you shooting at me??? Ah...yes....you probably were at some point.....

1AB|MGen BashFash
07-07-2014, 02:53 PM
The British government has made an appeal for more Hitler grams, and has urged the public to keep a stiff upper lip and bepatient while his Majesty's government solves the problem.

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-07-2014, 04:32 PM
Inventions of the Empire ! Part 1
==========================
The Scene : The Lab of Barnes Wallace & Grommit

A low flying Yorky bomber flies overhead

Wallace : Eee now squadron leader – put thy feet oop an ave some cheese!

Squadron leader Gibbon : Now look old chap whats this all about?…Nice cheese by the way!

Wallace : I always like a bit of Wensleydale…..

Grommit : [facepalm]

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-08-2014, 10:47 AM
Inventions of the Empire ! Part 2
==========================

The Scene : The Lab of Barnes Wallace & Grommit

Squadron Leader Gibbon : Now see here old chap this cheese is all very well....

Sir Barns Wallis : Aye lad - I'd best be telling ya then.....Ave thee noticed that Germany is full o' them damn things?

Squadron Leader Gibbon : errr What damn things what?

Sir Barns Wallis : Get greet damn things full o' water!

Squadron Leader Gibbon : Oh! Those damn things!!!

Sir Barns Wallis : Aye lad! Now watch this!

ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING KABOOOM!!!

Squadron Leader Gibbon : But thats astonishing!! Thats bouncing...

Sir Barns Wallis : Aye lad and a finer Madras you've never tasted!!

Gromit : [Facepalm]

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-08-2014, 11:03 AM
Meanwhile in BERLIN!!!!

Hitler : Himmler?? Vere are you, you liddle creep??

Himmler : I am under your desk mein furrier!!! I am guarding your knees from zer assassing!!

Hitler : You are ein twit!!! Zis vos zer joke mit ROFL !!!

Himmler : Zer Englanders say "Many of zer true vords vot are in zer jest gespeilen!"

Hitler : You are schtill ein twitt! Bring me zer file on zer new long-armed elite unit Brandenburger mit zer Chips!!!

Himmler : Mein furrier! Zer arms are all zer normal length!!!

Hitler : Kronk und gobberwarts!!! Haff zer Division Brandenburger und zer Chips streatched at vonce!!! Soon my reach vill be longer!!!! MUCH MUCH Longer!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Sumer
07-08-2014, 08:03 PM
Might we expect your erm... "graceful" presence on the battlefield in a future campaign dear perf?

I promise not to miss!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-08-2014, 11:23 PM
Sumer;3242605']Might we expect your erm... "graceful" presence on the battlefield in a future campaign dear perf?

I promise not to miss!

Nothing is impossible............ I'm sorely tempted altho I'm not sure if I have suitable kit..........

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-08-2014, 11:27 PM
Have they put wheelchairs in FH2 yet??? ;)

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-09-2014, 05:44 PM
The Scene : An evil surgical ward in Berlin!!!
=================================
Candidates for the new Brandenburger and Chips division are "having their abilities enhanced"

Dr Von Klutz : Now zis vill only hurt a liddel!

Soldier : Yeeearrrghhhhh!!!! Zer crocodile clips! Not zer nipples!!!! Nooooooooo!!!!

Dr Von Klutz : Ah yees zis is gut - now! Reach for zer condiments on zer next table!

Soldier : Ooooh!

Dr Von Klutz : Und zer next von......

Dr Von Klutz : Excellent! Mein Furrier!! I haf done it!!!!! I haf done it!!!!

Soldier : Kan I zer crocodile klips remove???

<Klik zweeeeeet! Thwoppppppppp!!!>

Soldier : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-10-2014, 07:54 PM
The Scene RAF Scampi (Near Lincoln I think)
===================================
The Ops room

Squadron leader Gibbon : Right chaps! Gather round!

Pilots : Rhubarb Rhubarb!!

Squadron leader Gibbon : I'd like to show you a short film if I may! Lights down!

Click!!!

Squadron leader Gibbon : Now then.......

Whir whir whir!

Narrator : This is a short film about our newest weapon code named "Upshot"

Pilots : Rubarb!!

Narrator : This is a specially converted Lancaster mk 7 with built-in kitchens and a saloon bar....

Pilots : RHUBARB!!!!!!

Narrator : Observe the culmination of this test mission over the inland sea of Bradford ness....

ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING KABOOOM!!!

Flight Leutenant Posh : Good Lord sir!!! its......

Squadron leader Gibbon : Yes - and the Germans won't know whats hit them!!!!!

Pilots : HOOORAH!!!!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-11-2014, 09:30 AM
The Scene : On o'them damn great damn things, near the Ruhr, Germany
================================================== =======

A lone sentry paces. His elbows reach the ground and he seems to have crocodile clips attached to his chest.....

Leuitnant Von Sponge : Hans ! All kviet?

Geifreiter Hans Ovadem : Jah, it is zer tedious......

Distant sound of big aircraft , coming rapidly closer......

Hand : Achting er.... zer big planes!!!

Suddenly !

ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING ................

Sponge : Hans look out.....

Hans : I haff it!!

He catches something - he has really long arms........

Hans : Gaspen! It is zer curry!!!! und very very.....

ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING

Hans : ein other!

ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING KABOOOM!!!
ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING KABOOOM!!!
ZWEEEEEEEEEEE PLOSH! BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING PLOSH BOING KABOOOM!!!

Hans : Bugger!

Suddenly the damn gives way flooding the entire Ruhr with Madras curry..........

Hans : Oh vell at least it is zer Chicken Madras

3B|Sg Versus
07-14-2014, 12:51 AM
Haha, thats awsome

ADRIFTER
07-14-2014, 05:37 AM
Well hello there P3rf. Good to see you again.

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-14-2014, 10:44 AM
Wotcha Dude :D Good to see you too :D

Where is the "like" button ????

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-17-2014, 08:56 AM
Inventions of the Empire Part 2
=======================
Scene : The lab of Barns Wallis & Gromit

Squadron Leader Gibbon : So here we are again! What do you have for us this time!

Wallis : Eee lad, sit yerself down and have a nice piece of Wensleydale! and take a look at this!

Gibbon : Well its a box......

Wallis : and one of my finest inventions!

Gibbon : Bbut ....a box???

Wallis : put it over there under the sprinkler and then stand well back!

Gibbon : OK Now what?

Wallis : Watch this lad ho hoooo!!

splish splish SPLOOOSHHHH KLING FTANGGGG CRUNCH WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Gibbon : Blimy!

Gromit : <facepalm>

1AB|MGen BashFash
07-25-2014, 02:14 PM
Somewhere in Germany, 1944

Goebels: Hitler, mein fuhrer, der americans have stopped dur var!

Hitler: Achtung! You mean they haft surrendered!?

Goebels: Nein, they haft just stopped doing anything!

Hitler: This vill be a great opportunity for the vaterland! A sitzkrieg it is!

The Plasman
07-26-2014, 01:33 AM
Good luck with that sitzkrieg with Bomber Harris throwing endless numbers of paper planes at you.

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-26-2014, 06:54 AM
The scene : Himmler's Lair and Chocolate Factory.
=====================================

Hitler : Und so ve see many of zer Erzatzer Hitlergramen! Who is doink zis? I vish to know!!

Himmler : Mein Furrier! I vill set zer oompa-loompas on it at vonce!!!

Hitler : Seihr Gut! Vot is zis strange confection vitch looks like ein chocolate dump?

Himmler : It is zer valnut vip! See - it has zer valnut on zer top und zer strange creamy schtuff in zer middle!

Hitler : Vonderchon!! Vis zis und zer vepons of zer Reich und zose zat Canaris is nicking from zer Barnes Vallace und zer Gromit, zer Campaign 30 vill be mein alll mein BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH!!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-28-2014, 09:09 AM
The scene : A secret office in Berlin...
=============================

Canaris : Und zo mein furrier, ve haff nicked zer latest secret vepon from zer Barnes Vallis und zer Gromit! It iz zer neat cookie hein? No more vaves off curry in zer Ruhr!

Hitler : Vait! zis...office....I haff not seen it before!

Canaris : ah! zis is developed from zer Briticher invention - zer inflatable anti-tank gun!

Hitler : Vonderscoen!! Can it carry zer bomben?

Canaris : Errr vot? Erm I suppose.....

Hitler : Vot is zis bung for??

Canaris : NEIN MEIN FURRIE........

THWOPPPPP SCHLUPPPPP PHARRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTT

Canaris (muffled) : I vill find ein pump.......

[KIA] P3rfor@or
07-31-2014, 06:58 PM
The Scene : A U-Boat in the North Sea
=============================

Kapitan Krunge : Achtung!! All schloww. Blow zer main tanks und zer surface rig!

Seaman Schtainez : Yahvoll mein Kapitan!

Kapitan Krunge : Prepare mein supa dupa vonder binoculars!

Seaman Schtainez : Jah!! Und also ein valnutt vip from zer Doenitz!

Kapitan Krunge : Vonderschoen! Und now we vait!!

<a while later...>

Seaman Schtainez : Ein signal Kapitan!!! Zer light!!

Kapitan Krunge : Seihr Gut! Vot does it say???

Seaman Schtainez : Blink blink-blink blink-blink-blink blink blink

Kapitan Krunge : Vot??? Zis does not zer sense make!!!

Seaman Schtainez : I am zer sorry mein Kapitan - zer sea got in mein eyes!!!!

Kapitan Krunge : <facepalm>

[KIA] P3rfor@or
08-02-2014, 08:57 AM
The Scene : A jolly little jolly boat in the North Sea
======================================

Von Truffle : Vere are zey......vere??? Ach I send zer signal von more time!!

Light : Blink blink-blink blink-blink-blink

Von Truffle : Ah! Vonderschoen! Ein reply!!

A while later.........

Kapitan Krunge : Do you zer package haff for us?

Von Truffle : Zis box! It is vitally important!! Zer Allies are making many of zese!!

Kaptitan Krunge : Gut I vill get Seaman Schlong to fetch it! He vill svimm!!

Von Truffle : NEIN!!!! On zer no account must zis get vet!!!! I vill approach zer u-boat in mein liddle jolly boat!!

Kapitan Krunge : It is ein jolly liddle boat

Von Truffle : Zis joke is getting a bit old !

Kapitan Krunge : I vill request ein new von! Zer author vill supply von or he vill be schott!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
08-02-2014, 09:10 AM
The Scene : A Military Demonstration in AMURICA!!!!!!!! <Taaaa Daaaaa bom bom bom bom bom>
================================================== =======================
(Music kindly supplied by Ernest Strainz and his miniature military band)

President : Whaddaya have today General?

General 'Chuck' Yalode : You will love this Mr President Sir!

Band : ooompah oompah oompah clang ddrum-de-da-druum oompah

Very big aircraft : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzoooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

President : Damn! Thats goddamn fine work there Chuck!

General 'Chuck' Yalode : Its a flying prototype of course your holyness!

President : Looks mighty fine to me!

General 'Chuck' Yalode : Yeah we just have to stop it from.....

Very big aircraft : PPPHUTTTTTTTTT!!!! FOOOP!!!!

General 'Chuck' Yalode : Catching fire.....

Band : ooompah oompah oompah clang ddrum-de-da-druum oompah!!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
08-04-2014, 08:58 AM
Meanwhile .............

The scene : A Drill hall at the Leichtespanzerkarverie unt Grill “ Brandenburger und zer Chips” A small man with a small moustache is on a podium facing a small cine camera....

Hitler : Men of zer “Brandenburger und zer Chips” division. Effen now you are beink put to zer ultimate test in zer burnink Desserts of zer North Africas! Und also Zer Norman Visdonms....So! Ve brink for you zer new vonder vepons of der Reich! Planes zat fly backvords! Unterwasser Anti-Tank guns! Inflatable Artillery!! Upwards paratroops! and! Zer masterpiece!!!!!!!! Zer invisible tank!!!!!!!!!! Churchill has asked in his speeches vere are ve? Vell!!!!! Vinston, old buddy, Ve are attacking you soon at a discount! On a battlefield near you!! Tommie Atkins!!! jetzt kommen wir für Sie!!!!! wir kommen!!!!!!!

Goebbels : (clapping) Vonderschoen mein lovely Adolph!

Eva Braun : Vatch it veasel face! Zese are four inch "Pretty Lucrezia" steel tipped heels, now I'm not sure if I can put von all zer way though your foot at vonce, because zer jackboot might give a liddle resistance......But if you feel lucky....zen go ahead...... make my day!

Hitler : Mein liddle Eva! Put him down at vonce! Zer "Pretty Lucrezia" heels are for me und me alone!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
08-17-2014, 08:07 PM
The scene : The Laboratory or Dr Von Klutz
================================

Von Klutz : Finally! I have zer success!!! Ve haff duplicated zer cardboard vonder box!!!

Igor : Vot does it do?

Von Klutz : schprayy mit zer vasser und......

splish splish SPLOOOSHHHH KLING FTANGGGG CRUNCH WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Igor : Blimey!!!!

[WaW]CA|Melvin
08-19-2014, 04:14 AM
For all the evil of The Hun, the Americans just love Lili von Shtupp.

Uai7M4RpoLU

But the Buffalo Soldiers will win the day with their charm:

s9JqbCH4aVw





All credit to Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles.

1AB|Pvt. Wilhelm
08-19-2014, 06:06 AM
I'll be honest...I have no idea what is going on in this thread

:psyd

[KIA] P3rfor@or
08-30-2014, 08:58 AM
<evil emperor> goood goood </evil emperor>

[KIA] P3rfor@or
09-09-2014, 05:36 PM
The scene : a Military demonstration in BERLIN!!
==============================

Speer : Now zis is ein gut von mein furrier! Votch zis...

splish splish SPLOOOSHHHH KLING FTANGGGG CRUNCH WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hitler : Blimey! Vonderschoen!!! Can zis carry ein bomben?

Speer : of course - loads look in all zerr.....

Hitler : Send as many as ve haff to Rommel at vonce!!!!! Soon zer Cairo vill be ours!!!! mwahahahahaha!!!

[KIA] P3rfor@or
10-25-2014, 11:13 AM
"Normal" service will resume as soon as I've figured out what normal is.....

[WaW]CA|Melvin
10-25-2014, 04:33 PM
The New Normal (http://www.nbc.com/the-new-normal)


Please, bring back those great sitcoms. Sitcoms like "Hitler's House", "Siberian Summer School", and "Welcome Back Mussolini".

Bailing_Out
10-26-2014, 06:06 AM
TA|Melvin;3245927']The New Normal (http://www.nbc.com/the-new-normal)


Please, bring back those great sitcoms. Sitcoms like "Hitler's House", "Siberian Summer School", and "Welcome Back Mussolini".

I'd watch "Welcome Back Mussolini". As long as Gabe Kaplan was playing Mussolini. And Yes I am drunk enough I had to copy and paste Mussolini. It would be better with Charlie Chaplin playing the role but we can't have everything and I'm sure Gabe, if he is even still alive, could do it. By the way Ellen Barkin, AT 60, IS CLOSE, if not better looking than Georgia King who is 27.